Suddenly Single and Retirement – What do I do now?!

Whether you’ve lost your significant other through a death or divorce it is emotionally traumatic. You’ve made plans together about retirement, had great hopes and dreams and now all that has evaporated. Now – you’re single with retirement approaching and without your partner. What DO you do?

The loss of your significant other, either through divorce or death, will have a huge impact on your life. Understand that you will experience certain common stages of grief. Each person will mourn the loss differently and for varying amounts of time.

There are 5 stages of grief you may go through:
Denial Stage – This isn’t happening to me
The Anger/Resentment Stage- Why is this happening to me?
The Bargaining Stage – I promise I’ll be a better person if….
The Depression Stage – I don’t care anymore
The Acceptance Stage – I’m ready for whatever comes next

Remember as you go through these stages while the pain felt is real and strong, in time, this shall pass and you will smile and enjoy life again! I know because I’ve been there. Go easy on yourself and feel the real emotions. It is normal and healthy for you to have these feelings. Give yourself time to feel better. Lastly, treat yourself well. You have spiritual and emotional needs along with your physical health that needs taking care of.

You and your partner may have planned well for your future but becoming suddenly single is emotionally challenging as well as financially challenging. Women have a greater likelihood of being divorced or widowed at some point in their lives then men.

For women following divorce, the standard of living drops 45%, while for the senior citizen the effects are more devastating – 75%! For this reason, be proactive now in the financial arena if you still have your partner. Develop a plan that incorporates your short–term and long-term dreams and goals. Get involved with the process! Know what is happening with your finances.

If you haven’t established a financial plan and are faced with being suddenly single, I would recommend a financial advisor. The advisor can tell you where you are financially and what strategies would help to improve your position – now and into retirement.

Hopefully, you have made non-financial retirement plans – plans for yourself and plans involving your partner. If you have, then, at least, you will still have something in place that may only need to be modified.

Is all lost if you don’t have a plan now that I’m suddenly single? Hardly! Just don’t put it off any longer! It may actually be therapeutic in the healing process by establishing a retirement plan. It will give you hope and help you see a brighter future does await you!

Those of you who still have a partner should ask this question – If my partner were to pass away or seek a divorce would I be prepared? If your answer is no, then you have some home work you need to get busy with! This is something you shouldn’t put off – be prepared! Being suddenly single in retirement will add to the emotional stress without having plans to fall back onto.

Becoming single can simplify and complicate the issues of retirement. First, you now only have yourself to think about – no in-laws to worry about, no worrying about your partner’s health. You basically can do what you want to do!

Conversely, you now don’t have a partner to share things with or for emotional support. It means being deprived of the comfort of a partner and possibly may mean isolation and loneliness.

Do you need to build a stronger network of relationships? Is there some one who you can share your thoughts, feeling and experiences with? If not, should there be? Do you have enough close family members, friends or others who you can depend on for emotional support? If not, perhaps now is the time to start developing them.

Men and women who have chosen the career path that dominates their life may face the most difficult transition to retirement. It is this group of people who spend less time building their relationships that are in a more vulnerable position when suddenly single than those who have built relationships during their career.

Who would you turn to for help and support if you were suddenly alone in your retirement? Solitude can be an oppressor. It is extremely important for divorced and widowed retirees to get out and meet people. You must learn to be a joiner. What can you do to reach out to other people to build your future?

Remember – being alone doesn’t mean being lonely.

When you reach the “Acceptance Stage” of grief you’ll start to realize that you still have a wonderful, exciting life ahead of you. One filled with many new opportunities that can be fulfilling, rewarding and satisfying. Make plans to take advantage of the life that is ahead of you. Get out a big canvas, bright paints, and your brushes and start painting the most glorious picture of your new life!

Marriage and Retirement – Do they mix?

Have you thought what retirement will do to your marriage? If one is still working while the other is retired, how will that work? If both are retired, will you get on each others nerves?

Think about retirement in marriage – two people who are together and independent will change to two having one life together. Studies have shown that only a small proportion of marriages go sour in retirement. Yet many will undergo stresses as one or both partners retire.

“The transition to retirement is particularly stressful, especially when one spouse retires before the other. During this time, couples fight much more and are significantly less satisfied with their marriages. Once both spouses are settled into retirement from their careers, however, marital satisfaction rebounds and couples report the highest level of martial satisfaction with the least conflict, compared with their peers.” Cornell Wellness and Well-Being Study

Consider that when working there is a balance between independence and dependence. In retirement this balance is shifted. When working each has their own routine that doesn’t involve their partner. In retirement, the two are together disrupting that pattern. How will you deal with this shift?

Retirement does have some pitfalls for couples. Yet it does offer opportunities. Couples can find ways to make their togetherness exceptionally rewarding. You may even find a new and deeper intimacy!

Some keys to a successful retirement marriage are: honesty, empathy and anticipating the changes that will happen in the household routine. This means couples need to start planning well before each partner retires to minimize the conflicts that may arise.

What habits do each of you have that is going to be difficult to change? How will you address large and small matters? How will each accommodate their partner for the sake of the relationship?

In early planning partner’s can figure out critical issues. For example, where you will live, how you’re going to spend vacation or who is going to decide what you can or can’t afford? All this will take tact, openness, sensitivity and, at times, negotiation.

The key is planning ahead of time so each knows the game plan and what to expect. Otherwise, you’ll be putting undue stress on your relationship - one that can be avoided.

Some critical points that partner’s need to learn is to talk openly and frankly about sensitive issues. Now is not the time to be quiet and laid back! What will the emotional impact be if the husband retires while the wife continues to work? Or visa versa? What will be the changes in expectations when one retires? How will the household routine change?

How successful you traverse this transition depends on how well each communicates their needs and express their ideas, how well you listen to each other and how well you both manage the conflicts that will arise. It is going to be a time of flexibility and openness to growth.

When you individually plan for retirement you develop your vision of retirement, to identify your needs and wants. Bring your plans to the table. Then plan your retirement as a couple putting these individual issues out in the open.

You then can figure out how your separate plans will integrate into your marriage retirement plan. And yes, you should have a retirement plan for yourself AND as a couple!

Just realize, your marriage retirement plan requires recognizing your spouse’s point of view, feelings and needs. After all it is a two-way street.

Retirement is the end of one phase of life and the commencement of a new adventure. It necessitates early planning – individually and as a couple. Couples, who have built a strong relationship, have planned early and who see themselves as a team, have an excellent chance of making retirement the best years of their lives!

Planning for your Age of Fulfillment

Have you made a plan for retirement? Is it detailed and does it really excite you? What? You’re too busy to start planning? Oh, you still have a few years to go before retirement so there’s plenty of time! Perhaps you need to re-think about putting off your plan!

Like many of you, I was led to believe that if I have the financial aspects well planned my future would be taken care of! No need to do any other planning. Now how many of you really believe that little ditty?! I found out I needed to do more in the non-financial realm– and fast!

The Baby Boomers will redefine retirement as our parents know it. We still have lots to do and give. Besides, we’re just flat out too energetic to sit on the front porch in a rocking chair! We have longed for dreams to make a reality! We have activities that have been put on hold that we want to now pursue!

We should not lose sight of the fact as we approach retirement we have a wonderful chance to re-evaluate our lives, careers and future. We are freed from many obligations such as children to care for, educate and launch. We may choose to mix and match work, education and leisure in a different way.

Planning does mean you’ll need to ask some tough questions. It will mean looking at who you really are – asking what is my life’s purpose! It means being honest and true to yourself making sure your answers are yours and not someone else’s. This will be your plan not your significant other, not your friends and not your children’s. It is time to take off the masks we’ve worn to maintain our jobs, our civic position and our reputations!

This is YOUR journey to discovery! Your renewal phase! How does this sound to you?! Does it begin to paint an entirely different portray of retirement for you? Are you seeing the need to plan now?!

Let me share with you some of the questions I asked myself in my planning process that I feel will help you understand the depth of questions that needs to be asked to come up with an exciting plan.

Am I ready to seek the truth that I’m more than my work? Do I know what my key motivators are that will need to be satisfied when I retire from my present job? What will I be giving up when I retire? Do I see myself arising in the morning during retirement with the same anticipation I experienced when working? What IS my life’s purpose? What is it I’ve always wanted to do yet didn’t have the time to go after? Will I start a new career?

The answers didn’t come easy and some were down right uncomfortable because I truly didn’t have a good answer. Yet I kept at it for several months to come up with a draft that would give me direction in my Age of Fulfillment.

One area that I feel is important to go a bit more into is about motivators. Why? Motivators must be identified and incorporated into your retirement if you want a rich and fulfilling retirement. Your motivators have been a part of you for a long time and will be with you when you retire. We cannot be easily separated from what our work gives us!

You need to make different choices in retirement about fulfilling these motivators the rest of your life. What activities will give you satisfaction? Maybe your motivator is to be a part of the action or to be with intellectually stimulating people or to pursue a passion or to be recognized.

Why DID you choose your work or career besides money? What is it about your job that attracted you to it? What areas are not being satisfied by work?

Inner motivators help guide us to life choices to bring us personal satisfaction. If you ignore these motivators, you are bound to flunk retirement!

Here are just a few examples of motivators to get you started. I’m sure you can come of with a bunch more. Accomplishment; competition; challenges; action; friendship; interaction with people; problem solving; making a difference; being THE expert.

What is on YOUR list? What does each motivator you’ve identified mean to you? For instance, if you have competition on your list what exactly does that mean to you?

Take your time coming up with a list. Reflect on your answers. Set the list aside for a few days. Then – look the list over. Are they truly your motivators? Are there more that you need to put on the list?

Remember this about retirement – many of the activities providing you with a sense of purpose and fulfillment will end. Knowing what your motivators are will now give you direction. Your task, then, is to find what activities will fulfill them! Next, make a plan how it is going to happen. Refine your plan over the next several months until you’re really excited about it!

So - when will you start making plans for your “Age of Fulfillment” to be successful, enriching, enjoyable and fun? If you fail to plan, plan to fail! It isn’t too late to start so - start NOW!!

The Age of Fulfillment – The Next Phase of Your Life

Have you thought about your retirement and the role it plays in your life now and in shaping your future?

Retirement is merely another phase of our life. Even though you’re retired it doesn’t mean your life stops! Your life will continue to change. You will continue to grow! Consequently, your journey through retirement doesn’t really have an endpoint or a final destination.

Have you ever dealt with a management challenge? Life is some times this way. First, you need to figure out where you want to go. Second, you need to decide how you’re going to get there!

Retirement is deciding how you’re going to spend your time. You certainly will have the means to do as you want. The question is - have you set the goal? Without knowing where it is you want to be can spell boredom and unhappiness in a time of jubilation!

You need to look at where you are now and then where you want to be. This means asking yourself some tough questions. For example: what would you like to achieve in the years ahead of you? What is really important to you? Are you living the life you want to live or are you following someone else’s plan for you? Are you using your time wisely? What is missing from your life now?

These are not easy questions. If you whip out the answers in 5-10 minutes perhaps you aren’t serious about the quality of your retirement. Give these questions lots of thought. Make sure the answers are yours not your partner’s, significant other, your children or friends.

Remember, retirement is another phase of your life that can last 15-25 years or more! You have a long life ahead of you and this fact may be too big an idea to deal with. How will you organize your time to address such issues as household chores, interests, and new career? Perhaps working on smaller issues can help your chunk down the larger topic of retirement.

The road of retirement has many forks in it just as there were prior to retirement. There are new interests waiting for you to discover. To decide which fork to choose will require some vision. Having a vision of where you’d like to be can assist you in providing you direction.

Establish a list of things you want to do, give each item a priority rating and then decide when you want to do these items. What you are going to do next is similar to what a house designer does. A client describes to the designer what they envision their dream house would look like and have.

The designer thinks about what house style and layout would meet the goal. Then a rough draft is made and eventually the details are filled in as the planning continues. Back and forth the designer and client will go until the end result is as close to perfection as possible.

By planning our retirement choices you will map out a direction to take you down the road of fulfillment. How well you plan will determine how exciting a journey it is for you!

As with any journey there will be things, sites and side trips you hadn’t anticipated. Stay flexile- decide if going off the main road will add or subtract the quality of retirement. Be willing to explore because there is a whole world out there for you to discover!